Umm wow I just realised how shitty this blog is. I think I'll be permanently residing at my other blog from now on.

I should like, make my blog private since I AM basically talking to myself and all the things I never actually wanted people to know gets leaked somehow..

The title is about one of the songs in the playlist. Every time I listen to it, it really makes me want to cry. Music is really influential.

Tomorrow I'm gonna watch Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part II. I'm excited and can't wait for it, yet I'm dreading it. Once I've watched the movie, it signals the END. The END of the END of the series that I've grown up with. I'm gonna bring a pack of tissues, if I can find one. I've heard that it's very emotional, especially for fans. Oh God. I already feel like crying.

My parents were fighting just now, so I didn't dare to go into the room. I guess I should sleep now, I have a headache. I'll try to continue this post tomorrow.

I feel sort of happy and sort of sad at the same time. I hate being a teenager, because you can't really tell whether you're in love or not. I still love my ex, but that's my opinion. Even though we broke up in April 2010, I still think of him a lot. And it's been one year and 2 months. I've known him since I was Primary Five, and even then I had started to like him already. So technically it has been 3 years and 2 months. That's why I'm sad; I accidentally revealed to his cousin and his close friend that I still love him. And I'm half-hoping, half-terrified that they'll tell him, even though I've given up almost all hope of him returning the love.

I'm happy because I'VE FINALLY INSTALLED MAPLE ONTO MY LAPTOP. Yes I know I'm childish, still playing Maple at this age, but WHO'S STOPPING ME!?!? I'm happy!

Right now, I am very, at least in my opinion, rightfully pissed off. I hate it when someone claims to be my close friend, and takes me for granted. I hate that the most. Person A is currently singing praises to her friend, Person B, who has apparently "the only one who is always there for" her and "the ONLY one supporting" her. Fuck you, person A. Every time you ask for my advice, and I give it, you just completely ignore it. It's your life, not mine, so I don't give a flying fuck. I just hate it when people take me for granted. Not that I'm particularly outstanding or anything, but I HAVE FEELINGS TOO, GODDAMMIT.

Well anyway. I've gotten back my report book which contained my mid-year, Common Test 1 and Combined results. I'm really proud to say I've improved a lot since last year. Last year I just couldn't be bothered with anything. I slacked throughout the whole year. I did not bother with my homework. I did not willingly revise anything. In fact, I don't think I did any revision at all, last year. Which kind of explains my atrocious results. My level position was, out of a total of 160 people; 130+. My class position was, if I recall correctly, 37 out of a total of 41 people. Now, my level position is 89 out of 150, and class position is 27 out of 40. I am reaching my goal of going to class Three-Three, I just need to beat 10 more people in level position.

Okay, I really, really need to calm down or I will literally start smashing things.

Lovelorn teenagers, eh? I guess that's what most of us are, whether we like it or not. Emotional and defiant; thinking we understand things beyond what our own maturity can grasp. Things like love and hate.

Is it bad? I think I'm getting too soft, too servant-like. Submissive. Wanting to please others, even if it's to my disadvantage. Claiming to dislike others, but yet, once they show even a bit of decency, I start to like them.

I don't like to soften the truth. I'm getting too soft-hearted.

People might say that's a good thing. But I think.. That is to say.. How am I supposed to survive in the real world, with this kind of behaviour? Surely, I have to be a little more strong willed.

I need more self-confidence and will.

I've tried my best to be a better person this year. And I think I may have failed. I'm crying twice as much, and I think this year I'm even more horrible than last year. I've always prided myself for being a strong person, not breaking down in the face of adversity. This year, all my principles have fallen, I'm more cynical, more hypocritical, more arrogant, and I have lesser self-control than ever. Even though I'm admittedly more hardworking then last year, what's the point? I'm rude. Loudmouthed. Vulgar.

I have to stop this self-pity. I'm becoming the person I hate. I need to change. May God grant me the chance. I will be praying tonight for myself and Japan.